Good communication tactics can hide bad faith
Good communication tactics can hide bad faith.
It's unfortunate when people remember the tactics from books like Crucial Conversations, Nonviolent Communication, and Getting to Yes but lose the curiosity and good faith behind them.
This is a bit of a rant on people who think they are good communicators by using all the good "tactics" you read in these books, but in ways that manipulate, whether they realize it or not. I've seen this habit in people who are masterful at navigating company politics, either coming from larger companies or coming from roles that require this. I think signs of this in a company mean that there's a lack of truth-seeking; there are things more important or more incentivized.
The biggest pet peeve is using these tactics as a tool to fake listening. I'm not the best listener myself, but if you're signaling listening and then totally miss the point or talk over me, it really makes it hard to engage faithfully. That alone doesn't tell me whether you're acting in bad faith.
It's easy to spot this in someone who's not as good at wearing a mask; the scariest part is encountering someone who is seemingly so genuine you're unsure if it's a mask or if they're extremely earnest.
The best defense I can think of is to slowly repeat what they say back to them. Unfortunately I have not been able to use this effectively, so maybe it's not the best defense. It's hard if they're saying a lot of things at once without letting you talk. It's also hard to repeat back what they're saying when there are so many things you want to say back to them. Another one is to bring out a sheet of paper and just write down all the things they're trying to say.
Obviously this post is coming with ill intentions, wanting to put these people in a bad light. I'm coming from the lingering nausea of dealing with these kinds of people, and I'm happy to express it à la a manipulative version of NVC: I'm extremely frustrated when you X Y Z. If I'm using that to make someone feel guilty, I'm doing the same thing I'm complaining about. It feels good, but ultimately it's not productive.